and she was petting her beer can
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
