She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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