i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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