nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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