wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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