Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
