I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
