I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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