are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
