I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
