I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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