Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
