Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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