I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
