The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Randomize
