if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
