y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
