my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
