Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
