I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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