"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
