Well apparently he's into motor boating.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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