i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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