What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
