I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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