when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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