Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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