News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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