I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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