the condom got lost in my hair
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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