my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
