I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
