Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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