my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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