i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
