Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
