i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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