You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
