We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
