Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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