I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
