I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
