So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
