Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
