he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
