just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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