Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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