Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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