i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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