And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
