you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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