She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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