I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
