I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
